I consider Facebook to be the ultimate spy network. Several times I’ve found long lost friends in the ever-expanding computer universe that I couldn’t possibly find any other way—especially all those college roommates who inevitably end up marrying and changing their last names to something difficult to spell. Then there are the friends from high school who five years ago I knew nothing about and have since spied on. All it takes is a little peek at their profile page. A wonderful tool, that page. For instance, I find out that so and so did in fact marry her crush, or that what’s-his-name went into the army—and survived it, what my old friend’s jobs are, how many children they now have. I come away with much more information that I should for the little amount of effort I’ve put into maintaining our friendships.
I’ve noticed some interesting trends about these people (you). For one, I find that they are all living a healthy suburban lifestyle despite other demographic differences. That’s right—they probably all live in cookie-cutter neighborhoods and are involved in the PTA. They work out regularly, go on weekend road trips, and read each other’s blogs. Some of you may recognize yourselves as subject here. It is a spectacularly suspicious scenario to suddenly find that nearly everyone I’ve ever known is living in or aspires to the same suburban lifestyle. Is it because of government funding, or perhaps pop culture? Are we all zombies? Or do the aliens really have us in their clutches and they are taking the human race over one by one? If they are, I’m sure that they would use Facebook as their ultimate tool.
In fact, if the X-files were still running today, I think there could be a season finale about it. I’m sure we would find that the government, through the FBI, is secretly funding Facebook. Then, various X-agents and their techno-wizard friends would find unexplainable glitches in the system, and set up intriguing although sometimes cryptic dialogue with the enemy. These interactions would inevitably point us toward a clandestine meeting at the South Pole. I would be the heroine because I have a titanium plate in my head and that makes me trustworthy in some indefinable way. It is possible that I can block alien takeover rays with my titanium shield. (Thank goodness I had seven hours of brain surgery that I can’t fully remember, and then lost several days worth of memory afterward. I’m sure this has made me the perfect protagonist—my flickering and insubstantial memories will surely serve us well in the fight against aliens.) As heroine-with-implant I invite you all to share your private information with me on Facebook. Just go ahead and use the main page—I won’t tell anyone what you put on there.