Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Heist

In which our Lady of the Pocketbook discovers two Things

1.        My mom flew away on a big jet plane last night.  This morning I woke feeling energetic but a bit frightened.  Could I be a lone parent all day long until Jon got home tonight at six?  I determined I was up to the challenge.  Besides, what choice did I have?  So, I showered, got Eva up and dressed, and pretended I could handle it.  My mother’s lifelong motto is “fake it ‘til you make it,” and that’s just what I was doing.  It was somewhere in the middle of making pancakes while loading the dishwasher while stabbing my syrupy pancake with a fork that I realized I might want to take a step back for a few days/weeks/months and “fake it” less.  Most of my pancakes burned and I was still hungry by the time I managed to push the dishwasher’s ON button.  I think my cancerous archenemy has stolen my ability to multi-task. 

2.       Evil antagonist Cancer is also a money thief.  I received yet another bill yesterday, this time for expenses in the amount of $3,280 for a Dr. Madden.  Confusion set in as I realized I had no idea who this man was.  Not my brilliant neurosurgeon.  Not my anesthetist, who I spoke with for a total of 2 seconds before I passed out cold.  And then I saw the details: “Electrode Stim, Brain Add-on; Electrode Stimulation, Brain.” Huh.  Apparently I have been the victim of electrocution by expensive faceless person.  Dear me.  The plot thickens.  I imagine myself lying prone while being zapped and poked as different parts of my body jerk reflexively into the air.  Wait a minute—I suddenly remember peeling A LOT of odd looking patches off of my body a week later… Could that have been my first clue, easily missed because of the opiates?  Perhaps we’ll never know… I might expend some of my flagging energy and do some research into electrode stimulation if I actually had to pay the bill, but luckily I have fantastic insurance.  I will not press charges.   

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