Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Solar-Powered Villain

In which our Heroine/Villain returns.

A week ago I returned from visiting family in Idaho and Utah.  The visit—lasting 22 days total—was just long enough that I walked off the plane and into the Ted Stephens Airport here in Anchorage at what was 2 am Mountain Standard Time with a broad smile on my face.  What can I say?  I’m a sap and I missed my husband enough that I’m willing to take all that airport-related exhaustion as well as the tons of snow that awaited me outside with a smile.  Lovely family visit—but it feels great to be home.  Many of you out there did not even know I was flying out.  I kept it that way on purpose.  Mums the word. Literally.  As in, the purpose of my visit was mostly to spend time with my mother.  Therefore I didn’t hare off into any wild adventures with old friends or exotic locales, etc…

But—I did manage to get a sun-burn one Saturday afternoon in Idaho (oh excitement).  The sun was really shining my first week there and with temperatures in the 40s, it felt nearly tropical to me.  (Anchorage has had a really cold, snowy, gray winter—far worse than usual).  Anyway, every time I went outside, I bent my neck and turned my shoulders like a flower so I could get the sun on my preternaturally pale face.  I’ve noticed that non-fake-baker Alaskans all have the white glow to their faces.  Seriously—we stand out in photos.  Of course, I have the Alaskan pale mixed with my usual pastiness vs. burnt-crispy cycle with which to contend.  So, I ended up with a really hot face for about 2 days and nothing to show for it afterward.  It was glorious. 

And now I am sure of the truth: It turns out that I am solar-powered.  Despite sleep deprivation and a feverishly hot face, I found myself FULL of energy.  Any time the sun shone, I felt like I could move mountains!  It’s just possible that I am actually a superhero in a sadly successful disguise.  All that remains is to identify my super abilities.  They’ve got to have something to do with fantastically warped brain cells that are somehow fueled by UV rays…  Wait…um…well… now that I’ve written it down, it’s fairly clear that I’m not meant for any league of heroes.  I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that mutation of brain cells and inability to tan properly actually puts me in the villain category.  My seizure medication: odd chemicals purposefully put into my body twice a day.  (Just drop me in a vat of toxic waste!!!) Long torso, short legs: the opposite of Wonder Woman’s figure.  Difficulty using left hand: unbalanced, clearly.  Well, rats.  There goes my future in wearing underwear on the outside of my skin-tight neon colored suit, billowy capes, go-go boots, and the pushiest-up of all push-up bras.  I’m really going to have to rework my résumé .