IN WHICH I FIND OUT THAT I WILL LIVE.
We met with the radiation oncologist today, and contrary to the subtitle above, it actually became quite clear that I could die. People do—they die of this sort of cancer all the time, and mine is serious enough to be very concerned about. You can imagine the wrestle I had before God about all of this. (See great artwork by Gauguin: Jacob Wrestling the Angel). On the one hand was the very clear desire of my heart: to beat this cancer and to live many years beyond it, to have more children, and to be a mom. There are so many things that I want to do!! But the question was, is this what God wants for me? Because to tell the truth, the words “thy will be done” when applied to my possible death, stuck like fish bones in my throat. I thought for sure that I would have to wrestle a lot longer for this answer, but the Father must already know that I am close to the limit of my strength already, and so when I woke at 2 am to get more medicine, the answer was there waiting for me. I had a clear remembrance of a line from my patriarchal blessing, “I bless you with a long and fruitful life filled with joy and happiness in your posterity.” There it is. Clear as day. It’s the way the line shot into my mind, and it is a direct answer to my prayers. My wise friend Vickie gave me an inspired gift: a talk on the power of prayer by Robert Millet. In it, he mentions the story of King Hezekiah in the Bible, one of Israel’s few righteous kings. Isaiah paid him a visit one day and told him he was going to die. Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and importuned the Lord to let him live. His answer: 15 years more. Did I importune? You bet. And in the hospital, there were times when I could only turn my face to the wall and ask for more time. I get Hezekiah’s struggle. Been there, done that. And now I have the assurance that I will live!!! I believe it will still take faith, fasting, and prayers, and continue to ask for all of your faith and prayers for just this blessing. I beseech, implore, importune, nay—I demand. If any of you aren’t in a position where you feel like you can do this, then get going and get your lives together! I am too impatient to live a long and full life to wait for you to get your act together. My friend Dyanne also wrote a lovely card assuring me that through prayer lives can be extended. Thank you. I return to bed now with peace in my heart, and a lot of excitement.