IN WHICH I FIND OUT THAT I WILL LIVE.
We met with the radiation oncologist today, and contrary to the subtitle above, it actually became quite clear that I could die. People do—they die of this sort of cancer all the time, and mine is serious enough to be very concerned about. You can imagine the wrestle I had before God about all of this. (See great artwork by Gauguin: Jacob Wrestling the Angel). On the one hand was the very clear desire of my heart: to beat this cancer and to live many years beyond it, to have more children, and to be a mom. There are so many things that I want to do!! But the question was, is this what God wants for me? Because to tell the truth, the words “thy will be done” when applied to my possible death, stuck like fish bones in my throat. I thought for sure that I would have to wrestle a lot longer for this answer, but the Father must already know that I am close to the limit of my strength already, and so when I woke at 2 am to get more medicine, the answer was there waiting for me. I had a clear remembrance of a line from my patriarchal blessing, “I bless you with a long and fruitful life filled with joy and happiness in your posterity.” There it is. Clear as day. It’s the way the line shot into my mind, and it is a direct answer to my prayers. My wise friend Vickie gave me an inspired gift: a talk on the power of prayer by Robert Millet. In it, he mentions the story of King Hezekiah in the Bible, one of Israel’s few righteous kings. Isaiah paid him a visit one day and told him he was going to die. Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and importuned the Lord to let him live. His answer: 15 years more. Did I importune? You bet. And in the hospital, there were times when I could only turn my face to the wall and ask for more time. I get Hezekiah’s struggle. Been there, done that. And now I have the assurance that I will live!!! I believe it will still take faith, fasting, and prayers, and continue to ask for all of your faith and prayers for just this blessing. I beseech, implore, importune, nay—I demand. If any of you aren’t in a position where you feel like you can do this, then get going and get your lives together! I am too impatient to live a long and full life to wait for you to get your act together. My friend Dyanne also wrote a lovely card assuring me that through prayer lives can be extended. Thank you. I return to bed now with peace in my heart, and a lot of excitement.
Cheers, Tara
tara, i cannot believe this. you are so optimistic and full of faith! we'll be praying for you! -jen
ReplyDeleteWe all LOVE you Tara! And we want you to stick around for a LONG time! These next months are gonna be hard (I can only imagine since I have no reference) but we are here for you. I hope you wont hesitate to just ask- for anything.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, if you feel comfortable with it... a lot of us out here would like to know what your meal situation is, maybe posting a calendar for sign-ups?
So anyway, I think this blog is a great idea. It keeps us (who don't wish to bother you or intrude) informed and up to date. I especially love your particular writing style. Your so witty (even in these circumstances) and straightforward. Plus blogging can be really therapeutic I have found...
Your in our every prayer. *Hugs*
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteTara, I'm so sorry! I just got your blog address from Jen and I really appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. I know this sounds selfish, but your writing helps me face my problems that seem so insignificant and small compared to what you are experiencing. Please know that I am thinking of you. I wish there was something I could do to help.
ReplyDeleteTara! My family and I will definetly be keeping you and your family in our prayers. What a good attitude you have. If there is anything we can do from back home let us know!
ReplyDeleteWell, since you DEMAND... Thanks for writing this. It helps those of us who are far away feel like we are in the loop. Of course you will always be in our prayers, for the duration. I can't tell you how relieved I am to read about your answered prayers. I love that you get right to the point, but do it with style.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anna Dawn, I am glad you started this blog! It is so good to hear your voice through your writing. It made me laugh and cry! I hope you know I have been thinking about you non-stop, and you have been in our prayers (even little Kirsten's). I wish I was there, and I could be of some help, you were such a support to me last year. We will keep you guys in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteTara,
ReplyDeleteGoodness.
I'm stunned by this news. I can't imagine how you feel.
This tumor apparently does not affect your wit, excellent art referencing, or spiritual depth.
We will keep you in our prayers that you may have a speedy recovery.
Tara,
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling all right,and you are wonderful.
Haley Hakala
Hi Tara,
ReplyDeleteI love you and thank God every day for you. You mean so much to me and I am grateful for your answered prayers.
love, Sharlene
Your strength is very inspiring. I know keeping this blog will be a blessing. It's nice to have something to call your own and that you can control when so much of your life has been pulled out from under you. I am hooked, keep your story coming. I am also praying, along with Josh and Evie. We love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, all. Your support is amazingly strengthening.
ReplyDeleteTara
Tara, you are a light and you always have been. I was stunned to hear the news, but am so happy to have found your blog. You haven't changed a drop and I can literally hear you saying every word a read, only I prefer to think it is on your old flowered couch, pulled up to the TV as we munch on chips.
ReplyDelete