There have been many times in at least the last year when I would find myself feeling a sense of slight frustration every time the sun was shining outside, and I was not shining inside. It is difficult to see the perfection of a summery day and not have the energy or the momentum to thrive inside such a day. One feels incomplete, and a bit of a failure each time. Looking back, I see now that I had unfair expectations for myself, based on the assumption that everything was fine and dandy on the inside.
Today, the sun was glorious, and Eva had excess energy. I did not have any extra energy. At first, I felt unequal to the small challenge of getting us both warmly dressed and then taking her outside to play. But then I decided to do it with style. Preparations are a fun part of living too, are they not? I found my new winter headband that makes me feel like a very warm and energized flapper from the 20’s. (I imagine these flappers vigorously dancing the Charleston, and wish I could do so too). Dressed in this as well as my pajama pants, furry snow boots (no there is no snow here yet, but why be cold?), a winter coat, and my warmest wooly blanket, I towed Eva outside.The sun was lovely, and it knew I was there. It made a direct strike for my pale Alaskan face, lit up the dangly orange leaves and the glittery dust motes as I played hide and seek with my Eva from a lawn chair. Even I have energy for this kind of a game. I am reminded of a scene at the end of the movie Step-Mom when Susan Sarandan sits outside on a fall day smoking weed and passing her cancerous time, except I was sans drugs and bitterness. We ended up having a wonderful time, and for once I felt no frustration at my inabilities, but gladness to be doing what I could. Only Eva felt frustration as she had trouble walking through our overgrown lawn and blown piles of birch twigs. I muse to myself that its all about the expectations one has. I gave myself a sick day, and as such knew when to stop, sit down, and let the sun do the shining. In the end, it wasn’t so bad.