Potty Talk

In Which our Heroine Looks for the Loo.

I am so sick of talking about Cancer and/or Medications.  This blog used to be fun—I used to be fun!  Occasionally, anyway.  So, another subject: Dreams.  As in, the kind you get when you sleep. Not about aspirations.  I’m going for the light-hearted here!  Seriousness is hereby declared out of style.

Some of the best dreams of my life are the “where is the toilet” dreams.  Yep, I know.  Highly applicable in the middle of the night.  All of these dreams deal with detailed architecture—because you see a lot when it is such a very long journey to the bathroom. 

Once I was aboard a space-ship  ( Star Wars style, but the elevator in the back is all Star Trek).  Pretty sure Captain Picard and Data were there.  I had to get to the bathroom on a lower deck, but there was DIFFICULTY with the elevator.   Unlikely that I reached my destination.  “Make it so, Number 1.”

Then there was the locker room dream.  It is hard to find the single bathroom toilet within.  Lots of large, well-muscled girls that kind of scare me.  And that’s why I have to sneak to the bathroom.  Half-size locker for me (on the bottom level of course, which jams at a crucial moment), smelly towels hung on locker doors and benches everywhere, the sweaty sock smell that permeates every locker room since the advent of the Roman baths.  Reach destination but well-muscled people just keep interrupting me.  Also someone didn’t clean the toilet very well.

LDS church, Eva accompanying me, because she’s the one who has to go.  Toddler = hurry.  The nursery room takes up the whole basement, but for some reason random basket/volleyballs from the gym keep ending up there.  If the nursery is big, then the rest of the building is tantamount to the empire state building.  The hallways in this place have a lot of brown carpet that run half-way up the wall with a mauve colored paint above this.  There are teal armchairs and sofas in the oddest corners (ala LDS church foyer style).  The hallways are short and maze-like.  And there are men’s bathrooms everywhere.  In desperation I try one of those, but it turns out to be a maze too, just with more tile and towel dispensers.  Not sure if I ever reach my destination.  But I ran a lot, which has got to be good for the body.

There is the dream with the oddly circular building full of bureaucrats who keep passing me by, and who are terrible at giving directions.  The walls are vertical wooden slats (pretty nice, actually) and the carpet is a uniform gray.  The outer hallway runs full circle along the edge of the building.  There are various doors toward the interior, and I must find the room.  When I finally do, it is a very depressing bathroom indeed.  Gloomy with cinderblock walls (think soviet architecture) and dripping pipes everywhere, occasional mossy-mold.  The pipes are actually pretty cool because they twist everywhere, even diagonally across the huge space (think M.C. Escher).  But the toilets are everywhere, and you just can’t find the right one.  They are varying heights, some set atop many cinderblock steps so they look—yes—like a throne.  All are connected to an array of pipes (the lovely U-bend is especially present).  All are cold and yucky.  Destination reached, but too repulsed to go further. 

Fast food restaurant-style bathroom, has black and white tiles on floor.  Found easily, but there is the smell of French fries everywhere.  The stall doors are two or three feet off the ground and the toilets are very tall.  You feel like you are sitting in a highchair—if you can climb that high, which is gross because you'd have to grab the seat and hoist yourself up.  No sink apparent.  This is a problem as you are in a yucky fast-food bathroom.  It looks spick and span, but you know better.  Little germies are probably everywhere!  Destination reached, but can’t quite get up the courage to use said facility, because you need a sink in the room, dang it!

Bathroom with lots of stalls, a regular taupe-colored affair.  The toilets are normal, but the stalls have some serious problems.  Some are too high, some are too low.  How is a girl supposed to retain her modesty here?  Some are pretty good, but all these women keep stealing them.  Just as you approach, one of them comes wheeling in, cutting in front of you and slamming the door in your face.  So you finally find one that will sort of work—the stall goes up to your lower rib cage, and right now that’s the best you got.  You’re pretty excited, because you really gotta go, but then suddenly you are naked.  No modesty, no go.  Destination finally reached but to no avail.

Another black and white bathroom—very large—and communal.  There are toilets everywhere.  They sit back to back, sometimes side by side.  Very crowded.  But none have stalls.  There is a general rush to find the best toilet—shiny ones are the best.  People scurrying everywhere like ants.  I myself am stalling because I can’t figure out what to do—I like walls around me in these crucial moments, dang it.  Oh crisis!  Panic mounting.  Dream truncated.  I woke and found the bathroom adjoining my bedroom.