In
which our Heroine/Villain returns.
A week ago I returned from visiting family in Idaho and
Utah. The visit—lasting 22 days total—was
just long enough that I walked off the plane and into the Ted Stephens Airport
here in Anchorage at what was 2 am Mountain Standard Time with a broad smile on
my face. What can I say? I’m a sap and I missed my husband enough that
I’m willing to take all that airport-related exhaustion as well as the tons of
snow that awaited me outside with a smile.
Lovely family visit—but it feels great to be home. Many of you out there did not even know I was
flying out. I kept it that way on
purpose. Mums the word. Literally. As in, the purpose of my visit was mostly to
spend time with my mother. Therefore I didn’t hare off into any wild
adventures with old friends or exotic locales, etc…
But—I did manage to get a sun-burn one Saturday afternoon in
Idaho (oh excitement). The sun was
really shining my first week there and with temperatures in the 40s, it felt
nearly tropical to me. (Anchorage has
had a really cold, snowy, gray winter—far worse than usual). Anyway, every time I went outside, I bent my
neck and turned my shoulders like a flower so I could get the sun on my preternaturally
pale face. I’ve noticed that
non-fake-baker Alaskans all have the white glow to their faces. Seriously—we stand out in photos. Of course, I have the Alaskan pale mixed with
my usual pastiness vs. burnt-crispy cycle with which to contend. So, I ended up with a really hot face for
about 2 days and nothing to show for it afterward. It was glorious.
And now I am sure of the truth: It turns out that I am
solar-powered. Despite sleep deprivation
and a feverishly hot face, I found myself FULL of energy. Any time the sun shone, I felt like I could
move mountains! It’s just possible that
I am actually a superhero in a sadly successful disguise. All that remains is to identify my super
abilities. They’ve got to have something
to do with fantastically warped brain cells that are somehow fueled by UV rays… Wait…um…well… now that I’ve written it down,
it’s fairly clear that I’m not meant for any league of heroes. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that mutation
of brain cells and inability to tan properly actually puts me in the villain
category. My seizure medication: odd
chemicals purposefully put into my body twice a day. (Just
drop me in a vat of toxic waste!!!) Long torso, short legs: the opposite of
Wonder Woman’s figure. Difficulty using
left hand: unbalanced, clearly. Well,
rats. There goes my future in wearing underwear
on the outside of my skin-tight neon colored suit, billowy capes, go-go boots,
and the pushiest-up of all push-up bras.
I’m really going to have to rework my résumé .
